Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
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Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”