Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
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I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza