Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
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HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”
Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”
Darth Vader: >:(
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Education is vital
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
noooooo don’t hurt yourself
let me do it
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet