Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

Okay hear me out.

I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.

I’d marry me

[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!

[Traffic stop]

Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!

Just tried to put my seatbelt on.

AT MY DESK.

I’m pretty.

person: want to hold our baby?

me: why

I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.

Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.

As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.

dvd? why are the Ds fighting??

That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.

I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.

there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary

Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.

4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: *gets out of pool*

I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.

I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.

Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”

My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away

You are my people

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

Son: *carrying damaged produce*

Me: Drop that sick beet!

#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy

My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases

I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.

Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions

Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.

Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.

[inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone

Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.