Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.

I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.

The Purge: Valentine’s Day

8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening

Me: you will inherit everything I own

FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.

Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?

Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’

Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz

Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it

Dorothy: [inhaling]

Toto: FFS

*I gently close front door

Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!

No one:

My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.

(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)

1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon

*donates body to science*

Science: “I have a boyfriend”

Croquettes are not female crocodiles

Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese

Girlfriend: Yes probably more

this meeting could have been a push down the stairs

I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.

I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.

Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

Years ago I went to a job placement agency.

I left disappointed.

Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.

my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground

If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.

Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…

do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun

If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.

The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.