men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
![]()
You Might Also Like
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
This chloroform smells expensiv…
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*