men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
You Might Also Like
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
me when somebody idk start touching me
[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
friend saw this guy on the apps lol
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.