Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not

Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).

I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.

The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.

I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.

[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong

Her: What do you want to listen to?

Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.

Her: Great…I have Amazon music.

Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.

Her:

My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less

“Where is the bathroom”

and a bit more

“She was dead when we got here”.

Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant

St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”

Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken

Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.

whelp that’s enough instagram for today

How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”

I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.

(Entering heaven)

Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?

Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.

Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]

the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh

People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece

I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.

You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.

If I had two brownies, I’d give you one

little corner off of one

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.

We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.