Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt

The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.

Me: [ Seizing the Day ]

Monday:

he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff

Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.

just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses

If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.

The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex

Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.

How the tables have turned Kate.

it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream

DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making

ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

Opening emails from the school.

“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend

Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?

Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.

Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.

Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?

Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!

3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!

ChatGPT cannot be stopped.

I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”

One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.

ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that

{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear

[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY

“HOW” – dyslexic owl

All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.