Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

repaired

Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?

Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…

Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]

Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one

Typos are gonna be the death of me!

Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.

Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.

Brain: you adorable idiot.

So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?

I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.

Steven: I love you

Stephen: I lophe you too

Shark week, but for squirrels.

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.

People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.

[at an interview]

Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?

Me: I get along well with others

Interviewer: your greatest weakness?

Me: I use a lot of duct tape

New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.

OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?

Me: my personality

If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.

do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?

It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.

By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.

I put the hot in psychotic.

I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.

Oceanography is all about current events

Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-

2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.

Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.

My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.

my professor scared me for a second

Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders

“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”

“Yes. Get out!”

[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman