@bornmiserable

MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm

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@KrangTNelson

windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers

@Jarhead44

Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.

I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.

@danimgrace

Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.

@ABurgerADay

What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?

@kimmer4667

Raise your hand if you have to tell your kid the same thing over and over again everyday like they’re the Drew Barrymore character in 50 First Dates.

@SteveKoehler22

Costco ….

Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….

and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.

@JustDontBugMe

Like my priest always says, “Your confessions are the reason I drink.”