MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm

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windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers


Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.

I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.


Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.


What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?


Raise your hand if you have to tell your kid the same thing over and over again everyday like they’re the Drew Barrymore character in 50 First Dates.


Costco ….

Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….

and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.


Like my priest always says, “Your confessions are the reason I drink.”