Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file
US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
What legos do when we’re not looking.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
