Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
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I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
umm…
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
How to wake up a Beagle
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.