Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
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Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.