men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
You Might Also Like
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*