men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
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Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
