men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
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OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Me: “I’m going to the gym.”
The gym:
socratic questions
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.