Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At least my masseuse has my back.

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers

being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other

Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.

“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”

I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*

Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking

Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*

Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.

That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.

Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.

Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”

Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes

ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—

FAMILY: We have a JET?!

ME: I meant—

FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?

ME:

FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?

ME: Yes, that is definitely the case

Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.

Oh.
You have a boyfriend

But…
can he do this…

( flexes flab )

Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.

Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.

[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo

[eating a foot long sub]

*spits out tiny periscope*

[at home]

ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed

me: well..what’s the problem

ac repair guy: just shit in the filter

me: wait..to fix it??

[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous

[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death

Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.

Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night

What, I’m Asian?

*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*

*buys a bonsai tree*

“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook

Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel

At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real

me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so

In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.

Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules