Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.
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Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
how to exercise your calf muscles
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born