Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.
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Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Me, in DM rooms…
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Its a hippotatomus
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context