Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.

Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.

Home Depot employee: …

Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.

Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?

Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.

I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.

[first date]

her: do u like dogs or cats better

me: [reading menu] what page are u on

I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches

Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.

Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.

Narrator: she would never find it again.

wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen

Twitter is an abusement park.

Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.

I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”

[two astronauts in space station]

“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows

[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum

Being an adult

Pros)You can eat anything you want

Cons)You can’t eat anything you want

Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.

me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous

me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so

I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do

This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒

*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE

I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving

Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?

Children: Wait, what?

Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids

Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.

[Watching “Alien” with my son]

Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared

Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.

noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?

noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

[God inventing children]

A: Aw, so cute.

G: Make ’em scream.

A: But –

G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.