Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.

When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.

My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste

I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”

Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?

“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron

assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%

shrink ray company CEO: excellent

ME: How was your first day?

MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you

Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?

[Year 2090]

A teenager unwraps a birthday present

“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”

getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger

[dinner party, setting out the main]

Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!

Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!

Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency

I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot

Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project

My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”

Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”

Success😎

math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass

me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?

math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit

me:

math teacher:

me: i don’t- is that going to be enough

Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing

PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…

Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.

When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.

[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]

Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.

My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife

There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.

Food for thought, isn’t it?

[summons genie]

genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes

me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote

genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works