Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?

Me: Vodka

Guy: That’s classy

Me: Not in the amounts I drink

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face

“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?

Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning

I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking

i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit

Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-

Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why

Juliet: Well-

Romeo: So you’re asking why I am

Juliet:

Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom

if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs

Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle

I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home

My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.

Explain yourselves.

No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.

A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.

DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!

If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.

Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:

[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty

I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken

What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny

judge: how can this be your defense?

me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?

[inventing jogging]

how can i suffer but with music

Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.

HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.

me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!

One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.

I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.

You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.