Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
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If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
to the tune of ‘everybody dance now’ himalayan sea salt
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?