Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
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Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀
2022 be like
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?