Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars

I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.

Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN

A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.

Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.

Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.

Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do

Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago

(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.

“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”

– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.

I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.

The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”

CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.

Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath

I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!

Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’

As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.

I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.

Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?

Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.

what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry

scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.

Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

“I’m still a virgin”

-theres plenty of fish in the sea

“Ur right. I’ll find someone”

-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman

A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good

next question.

Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

[Shopping with $100]

As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!

As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?

100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.

8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.