Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
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Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
sigh
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
work smarter, not harder
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed