Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
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Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
groan^2
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
A small tragedy.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Meowchelangelo
