Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
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To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Carpe DM
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Ok but actually
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*