Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
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If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?