Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”

– Large intestines

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies

Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*

Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*

If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.

Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?

Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.

NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show

Someone: Im in town!

New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!

first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters

Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.

My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.

I thought there was something wrong with her.

Turns out she’s being R2-D2.

Them: how old are you

Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.

snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?

Me: So when a man and a woman…

4yo: I had a dream about u mommy

Me: I feel so special

4yo: I flushed u down the toilet

*lint rolls you awake*

.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?

*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.

Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.

Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.

Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE

“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.

The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see