Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
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My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
my fav colour is also hitler