Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
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My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.