Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.

[wife walks around the house completely naked]

Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*

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Husband: You want to have sex?

Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.

Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.




–spirited debate


Man shall not live on bread alone. Yet it is easy to forget this at restaurants and end up full before the appetizer.


“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
“sorry it’s permanent”


They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…

*walks up to guy in minivan*



Hottest day ever recorded in November and my neighbor is already installing Christmas lights. So don’t send me a fruitcake. Already got one.


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.


Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”

Me: “The lunch bell.”


Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.