Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
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Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
aesthetic
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle