Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
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The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Bartenders are just boneless bars
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good