Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.

I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…

that people can’t tell who I am

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope

My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.

Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.

Me: Red is the color of love tho.

🐟✨ #re4

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

“What’s that?”

“It’s a therapy cat.”

“It looks like a chihuahua.”

“That’s why the therapy.”

Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.

There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me

No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.

catch me on valentine’s day like

coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.

wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

me: *imagining it* no but I want to

Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe

Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.

Him: I’m an English teacher

Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes

[Date]

Her: Any hobbies?

Me: Monging mostly.

Her: Huh?

Me: I’m a monger

Her: Huh?

Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it

Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode

Mom: More pie?

Me:

Mom:

Me:

Mom:

Me: Yes, obviously

It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.

We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.

I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.

I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.

The IRS agents were not amused.

gandalf:

jesus:

gandalf:

jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too

gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff

Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.

Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!

You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.