Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now

*jurassic park meeting

CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.

Suit: We could build another park…

*long silence

CEO: Genius.

quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric

Server: Have you dined before?

Me: Have I d- like in general?

Server:

Me: Yeah. Yes.

Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣

murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.

I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.

good for her

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it

People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!

There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.

I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes

Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…

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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.

One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.

Until then, I’ll keep eating.

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,

Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂

Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom

*In church

9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…

Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep

9: oh

How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?

“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning

[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.

“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me

Your honor these allegations are

You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?

“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”

-butter