Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.

I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee

“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo

Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one

“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong

Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise

“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist

Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?

I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.

My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white

I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*

On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.

I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.

sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory

Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?

[sex]

GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out

When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!

My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.

Most terrifying carousel ride ever.

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!

Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life

You found a baby spider in here?

-Yeah, but only one.

*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*

Just. One?

[Never. Sleeps. Again.]

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.

If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.

I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.

The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”

Me: “He’s my service dog.”

My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”