Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
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Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Why ‘airport KFC’ and not ‘Kentucky Fried Check-In’?
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”