Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.

Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless

if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS

Mmmmm white people

– sharks

some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon

if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day

If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.

why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police

Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird

Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?

If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.

My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs

That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink

Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.

stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons

My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.

Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.

Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here

If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you

My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.

Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.

8: I wrote my list for Santa

Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?

8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?

Me: perfect

I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.

I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no

Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.

[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?