Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.

I am a man with convictions.

Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.

Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …

babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before

Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?

I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life

Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.

As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.

Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.

Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.

Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.

Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

*seductively winces due to lower back pain

It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.

You’re still using fowl language.

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.

“We just want to find someone who will-”

*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?

“Exactly.”

-death row inmates

“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)

Remember to recycle your pizza boxes

It’s for the Greta good

Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes

Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.

‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.

Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.

Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.

EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.

When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible