Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*

Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes

One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T

Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.

wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*

ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”

When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.

For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.

Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.

Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.

[searching for a new church]

Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?

Church: *click*

what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*

I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off

There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.

All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.

[blind date]

Her: so what do you do for fu..

Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE

Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!

Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.

I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home

I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…

{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?

How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.

Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.

I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.

If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.

Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”

Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.

Thick flies save lives.

There is a football player named Drew Sample?

He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.

*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.