Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
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Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Sharon, call the vet
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Store policy: You break it you buy it.
Cat policy: you by it you break it.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
How does someone manage that 🤨
