Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Scooby Doo at an interview]

Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that

Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*

Person: So, what’s your favourite book?

Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?

Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?

Hearing those four little words always makes my day.

“Your order just shipped.”

Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel

Wile E Coyote: oh no

My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no

[spelling bee]

Your word is “pneumonia”.

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.

there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.

Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants

Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.

2014: maybe 2015 will be better

2015: maybe 2016 will be better

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.

Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.

Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever

Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

there was another, tinier cement truck inside

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”

[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.

Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.

Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.

ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not