Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
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lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?