Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the #horror is real!

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.

Not really a humane solution in my opinion

Officer: Did u know your back light is out

Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage

I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.

When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”

How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?

My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.

Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.

I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.

Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.

so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey

I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”

Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?

Well played men, well played…

channeling her this year

* deletes account

*reactivates

AND, ONE MORE THING…

If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.

me: i got into harvard!

cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know

Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.

She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.

Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.

Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond

I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!

I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single

DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!

ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?

This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?

Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.

Joe: no please no more.

Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*

I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips

my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters