Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?

Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.

if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed

DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared

Band: Are you ready to rock?!

Me: I need to pee first.

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads

~ dishwashers, perves

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

This text is literally my relationship with my mother:

Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.

Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.

If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.

Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-

Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.

Me: colored diamond.

My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny

good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab

I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”

I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.

ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]

GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-

WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool

Good guy: *kills henchman*

Henchman: wow

Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you

Henchman: WOW

Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors