Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?

For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group

Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.

I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead

me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting

me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now

Please enter new password

Me: Candy123

Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password

We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$u

Me: Candy123!

I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services

I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.

*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*

*serves poached eggs*

[heaven]

ME: so about those footprints…

GOD: footprints?

ME: from when you carried me

GOD: wasn’t me

ME: well then who—

GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.

Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.

I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜

Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.

Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now

Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.

who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?

(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)

My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.

“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”

Can you please stop being so melondramatic.

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day

Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing

My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.

Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.

black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow