Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
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Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy