Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
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Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.