men ruin everything lmfao

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“How would you describe yourself in 3 words or less?” Doesn’t follow instructions very well.


Gotta be careful. My astrologer just warned me someone pretending to predict the future would steal my money.


Just waved back at someone at the gym who was waving at the person behind me and now I’m looking for a new gym.


I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.


sex so good you start seeing dead people..

oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that


I went to walmart today. I got the cart with three wheels and a hoof. This always happens to me.


Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”


The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.


My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!

Until the dog humped the couch