@itsnottina

men ruin everything lmfao

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@jwoodham

“How would you describe yourself in 3 words or less?” Doesn’t follow instructions very well.

@juliussharpe

Gotta be careful. My astrologer just warned me someone pretending to predict the future would steal my money.

@iGreenMonk

Just waved back at someone at the gym who was waving at the person behind me and now I’m looking for a new gym.

@jackiembouvier

I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.

@BeardRidingMinx

sex so good you start seeing dead people..

oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that

@discountzen

I went to walmart today. I got the cart with three wheels and a hoof. This always happens to me.

@DaddyJew

Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”

@crunchenhanced

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

@WilliamRodgers

My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!

Until the dog humped the couch