Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
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Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science
Every woman I know is down catastrophic for the United Healthcare CEO assassin so if you’re a lonely, unstable, disaffected young man yearning for love and connection I can confidently tell you that there’s (1) thing you can do to get that special girl’s attention…
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)
Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?
Me: uh… someone from Virginia
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.