Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
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When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
my mind
You just read my mind
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
sistine chapel
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.