Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!

I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???

Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?

Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.

“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists

this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket

some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.

If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.

ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB

Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”

A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want

If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian

me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?

copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.

I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!

You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)

Friend: I’m getting married

Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?

Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.

~Me flirting

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.

[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!

Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence

Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.

[burying my father at sea]

Why isn’t this shovel working?

Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?

Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.

Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.

6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.

demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work

Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.