Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
You Might Also Like
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
yeah nice try. not falling for that again
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.