Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
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Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Not today.. 😂
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”