Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
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Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate