Men simply like to adjust their junk,
it’s not pocket science.

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I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.


“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”


Saw an ad on Craigslist “Radio, $1, volume stuck on high.”

I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”


I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.


Now that everyone is against Facebook I’m smugly telling everyone that I deleted mine 5 years ago because I saw this coming and not b/c I had no friends


A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.


Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.


Childhood injuries: Fell off my bike, fell out of a tree, twisted my ankle. Adult injuries: Slept wrong, sat down too long, sneezed too hard.