@JT_IV_

Men simply like to adjust their junk,
it’s not pocket science.

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@4SLars

I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.

@TheRobCee

“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”

@TankCesar

Saw an ad on Craigslist “Radio, $1, volume stuck on high.”

I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

@AimeeHelene1

I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.

@InternetHippo

Now that everyone is against Facebook I’m smugly telling everyone that I deleted mine 5 years ago because I saw this coming and not b/c I had no friends

@mamabirddiaries

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.

@sarcasticmommy4

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

@Uxmmi

Childhood injuries: Fell off my bike, fell out of a tree, twisted my ankle. Adult injuries: Slept wrong, sat down too long, sneezed too hard.