Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
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“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
opening twitter today
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.