Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
You Might Also Like
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show