Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
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Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
Somebody’s lying.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
never forget
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there