Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’

Dad: Want a donut?

Me: YES!

Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.

Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.

Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids

*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*

If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?

Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂

*removing hair clog from drain*

Well wookiee here

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.

if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers

[my first day as a financial investor]

“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”

the cia shot me with their diarrhea gun

I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.

I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary

a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”

Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things

Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]

In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.

High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.

Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta

When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position

Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.

Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”

Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!

Other judge: Security

Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!

[first date]

HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.

ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.

[God creating cats]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to

Fashion designers:
What do you want?

Women: uniform sizing across brands.

Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!

Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.

Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]

My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]