Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this plan is WAY too aggressive imho

I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

Why do people say half a dozen?

Why can’t they just say Six

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.

If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…

You might be dating my wife.

why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?

Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.

Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.

*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*

Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.

stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”

What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️

What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.

For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice

Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?

Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?

Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?

Me: Divorce

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

*Speeding*

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: My singing?

Cop:

Me: My smile?

Cop:

*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?

Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?

My Husband: Raising three kids

king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store

date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”

Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?

God: *wearing bird mask* BOO

Caterpillar: o000ö

God: haha jk it’s just me

Caterpillar: oOOOö

God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT

All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.

The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater

I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.

We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy