Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-

Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.

Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-

Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*

Him: How do you even steer?

Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.

Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”

The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.

hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday

I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.

I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.

Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*

[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”

I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.

her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot

doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job

I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce

*hides recorder in box*

*puts box in safe*

*locks safe*

*digs 50-foot hole*

*throws safe in*

*covers hole*

[5 minutes later]

9yo: *playing recorder*

6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?

Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.

6: Yeah. By himself.

Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.

In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.

I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul

Optometrist: please stop talking

A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”

But weight, there’s more!

– Thanksgiving

All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…

When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.

Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.

Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭

[first date]

Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey

Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman

Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible

Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions