MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
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[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
The sacred texts.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.