MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
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Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
You are what you delete.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.