@McJesse

MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”

MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”

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@Reverend_Scott

[movie studio in the 2010s]

“This script stars The Rock as-”

Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT

@Fred_Delicious

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

@JoParkerBear

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

@DaHess1

If bank website ads have taught me anything it’s that white people love drinking coffee as they pay bills online in an empty loft apartment.

@felixoshea

He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.

@robfee

Wow, 5 years ago we had Steve Jobs and Neil Armstrong. Now we have no jobs and no arms.

@gavinmind

“I’m LLLLLLLLLATE!”

– Tony the Tiger’s wife

@realHamOnWry

My Voodoo doll would be a glazed ham wrapped in chicken feathers.