@ella__fraser

Men that know the difference between moist and wet, know the difference between failure and success

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@DanMentos

“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”

@ahhhhron

OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl

@mommajessiec

Reasons people get divorced:

-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy

@DeadLioness

[Rain]

Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes

@seandunn76

This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob

@weinerdog4life

Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.

@SamuelHLowe

Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

@rationalists

Bill Clinton is so getting laid tonight. Hillary is in Indonesia.

@TuSoonShakur

mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san

daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?

mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd