Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
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A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
what is cheese if not milk persevering
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Lmao 🤣
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live