Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
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If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Unmatched
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella