Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
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I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Someone you don’t know is pointing at you. Make yourself appear larger by holding up a potted ficus.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…