Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
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DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
The photographer’s assistant
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Ovenable?
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.