Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
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Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”