men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
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Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens