men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
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I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
ew if literal: let me be clear
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]