Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
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What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip