Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
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Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Omg 🤣
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse